Some Sort Of Breakdown

Mmm. This is just stupid. I just can't stop crying right now. I feel like drowning myself in something. My mother woke me up to go shopping with her and my brother. She wanted me to leave my brother alone and stop following stuff like wearing baggy clothes like he does. So she dragged me to the woman department and we didn't even last there 5 minutes before we went back down for my brother because my retarded bitch of a mother doesn't understand that women's clothing are like a size waist of ONE. I mean I told her before how much I hate stuff that aren't baggy or isn't comfortable, but she doesn't care how I feel! You wondered why I was happy I didn't go yesterday with that bitchy person. So when I bought a jean from where my brother was shopping near she wasn't too happy.

Today I had a choice to go home or go to my aunt's house and go out to eat, since my father wasn't going to pick me up. I blindly decided to go to my great aunt's house. So dinner time comes around (She was sitting next to this guy that she is so friendly with then my father. Like ALWAYS) and we head out to eat, around the middle of the conversation I heard my mother talking about me and how high I put my radio on and I felt angry because that bitch has her fucking ears glued to that cellphone.

However that was not the end of the ranting whore. After dinner when we were outside of the place that man mother is so attached to loves to tap me on the cheek and I have always said how I don't like it because he is in my space and that is wrong. After he stopped I slapped him and my mother yelled at me for it. I told her that he was touching me again and she yelled at him too, of course never as harsh as on me because after all he is her pimp!

So as we were walking that slut began to say how even if he was playing with you you shouldn't hit him that hard, it isn't lady-like. So I yelled back at her saying why is it everything has to be female? I mean it is a diss when one says 'you run like a girl'! I mean he was touching me and I didn't like it, weather he was playing or not. I defended myself and she yells at me! What if someone was trying to rape me? Am I going to just not do anything? I mean after all it would be unlady-like!

So she stopped arguing saying how don't talk to me and don't call me mother or whatever. So I bitched and said that I will call her by her full name. My aunt was saying how she is my mother.

I don't even get why she is telling me what to do. I mean she is never home in the first place! All she knows is how to yell at us when we do something wrong because that is all she sees. She isn't there to teach me what is lady-like or not. I like baggy clothes and hit people like boys do because I learned it from people that were there for me, my brother and my father. She is always on the phone when she is home, she doesn't ask us how was our day or anything.

Everyone is telling me to act more like my elder cuzzin, Vicky, because she is smart and skinny and has a boyfriend. Her mother is there for her while mine is a partying slut!

I mean when I go to 'The Center' and that question 'Who do you trust?' I have and will never say her because I can't trust her! She is my mother, just because she gave birth to me, but that is it. A title she got and that is all it will be.

Mmm. I typed all this (I think more) to dana_daidouji by e-mail already so I'm feeling better and tears aren't streaming down my face like it was on the van through the whole way home.

So after the e-mail Hime-chan, another online friend of mine, told me she was sorry because in an e-mail she was speaking in taglog (another language) and Merhiel, who spoke the same language as her, knew what she was saying. I typed on my blog how it really fucking sucks that people talk another language and you are left out of it. Merhiel even had the nerve to say I am underage to what Hime-chan has said. Me? O.o Who the fuck does she think she is kidding? So she IMed to me and said sorry and I just let it go, but I started to tear up again because of it.

I hate my tears. I can't control these god damn emotions that I don't want. I want to be free of my mother and these people that think I'm always too young for stuff. I am starting to feel like Tilly-chan. I am not fucking 7!...I just wish that I can stop crying like one.